I've been struggling with body image and my weight for quite some time now. I've never even admitted it to anyone and if I ever say I'm hate my weight online, I'll always add "I'm not THAT big though, I'm not obese. It's just a problem". But the fact is, it's a little more than a problem. I don't just want to lose weight, I want to get fit. Not in fit in the sense of "Oh she's so fit!" (in a grotesquely deep male voice) but in the sense of healthy and... you know... fit. I always say that I'll start tomorrow. Always the next day. But tomorrow never comes.
I tried out the wii fit, and that worked, it really did. I lost half a stone in a matter of weeks. That really made me happy. But I'm terrible with routines. I'm good when I'm in them but I'm a bastard if and when I get out of them. For example, I've been eating breakfast (something I never really used to do, due to time and then habit) but say I run out of milk (or any other typical ingredient for that matter) one day, so I decide to skip it for that day. The next day I will also skip it because I've broken the habit of eating it every day. Or if I exercise everyday and then stop for one day it will all go down hill from then onwards. Same with waking up early actually. Same with everything.
I've tried going to the gym, but not only does that eat a hell of a lot of money, I hate going because I hate people seeing me. Especially men. Women I can stand. But for some reason I really hate going to the gym when men are there. It frustrates me so much. I equally hate people seeing me coming to and from the gym. This is another reason why I can't go out on jogs, or cycle rides. I hate it because I immediately assume people will be thinking "Oh she's obviously trying to lose weight. Nice try!" sarcastically of course. Or "Look at her, she's so unfit! What a big lump of fat!" or something along the lines of that. I really can't stand it, and instead of jeering me onwards it makes me curl up inside myself and just not want to do it anymore. Then I look at the way I am and just wish that something would magically make me fit. That is obviously impossible, but I really do dream about it and want it so bad.
I've started this blog as a kind of wake up call. To keep track of my progress. A kind of online diary. I need to keep myself organised, and I need to keep myself in a routine. I'm going t be completely honest in the blog about my weight and if anyone does come across this blog with the same in mind, please feel free to join me on this journey. I have to stop wishing something will happen, and actually make it happen myself. I have to actually take action and be firm with myself. I know I'm unhappy with the way I am right now, and it's getting to the point where I'm actually becoming slightly obsessed with body image. This is not pro-anorexic of course. I have had periods where I've just stopped eating completely and self loathed to the point where I couldn't even look in the mirror. I've thought tirelessly about making myself be sick, and tried many times I just can't do it. That is not the way to go to be healthy.
My plan is to create recipe lists every Sunday, even though today isn't a Sunday. Earlier I mentioned I'd always put it off till tomorrow, well it also happened weekly too. I'll say "I'll start Monday" and I've been through so many Mondays that I've realised it's not about being balanced, it's about putting of things I don't particularly want to do; my new plan is to not take the easy route. I will not put it off. I will do it the next day. And if I don't feel like getting up in the morning until half past, or 40 minutes past, or 50 minutes (and so on) I will force myself to get out of bed and get breakfast. I will force myself to do the things I need to do. I will be firm. (A bit of optimism you may say? YES. I am being optimistic. If not slightly overdo-ing it).
Now this is the part where I have to sooth my ego a little. I am not obese. (See how I said about this earlier, knew I'd do this). I am size 12, occasionally size 14 or 10 depending on the fit. But you see, I'm at my heaviest and largest yet. Size 12 may not be "big" but I'm short, and it's really quite out of proportion. And even so, I'm not fit. I'm not at all healthy. Anyone can look good at any size (within reason) but I want to be healthy. I want to be able to run and not get worn out easily, I want to be able to walk up a steep hill and not feel like my legs are going to burst into flames, I want to be able to walk up stairs and not pant at the top of them. Like I said earlier, I'm not obese, but I am overweight. I'm 5 foot 2, so I do look quite "chunky". The body image today of someone my age is ridiculous, and although I know I'll never be like that, I want to feel good in myself. Feeling like a fat lump all the time, is not a good feeling. I can't even eat in public without feeling like people are judging me for it. I think I'm just a bit paranoid, but I'm not too sure ;). (I don't usually use faces in text but I was joking then because it's clear that I am paranoid but I don't really know how well jokes translate on blogs. If it was clear well know I've just ruined it with this bracket, nevertheless I digress). ('Double brackets?! Is that allowed?' oh shush, I needed to add this. I actually hate that I put that face, but if I take it out then the joke might go unnoticed and I'll look right stupid. Welcome to my head! (Lots of rambles and indecisiveness) - ooh bracket in a bracket, I'm going bracket crazy!) -OK fun over. Wow that was a digression!
Oh yes, back to slight ego soothing/information on me. I'll put all of my measurements at the end of the post. I now really feel it's not about what size you are, more about your measurements and your healthy. For example, a woman could be 4foot something and a size 14, which is under the national average for the UK, but that would still be quite large and unhealthy for her size, or a person could be 6 foot and size 8 but that would be way too thin and equally unhealthy. Some say BMI is the way to go, but I disagree with that also. Muscle weighs more than fat, so if you are in fact muscly BMI would be useless to you really. Equally, someone may say I'm only a size 12, it's not THAT bad. And even my friends say I'm not THAT big. But it depends on how you feel inside. There's no denying that I'm unfit, there's no denying that I'm unhappy - my friends are just being kind.
Now on to some real action. Today for breakfast I had 1 banana, and 1 apple. Not that much, but we really don't have a lot in the way of breakfast meals. Lunch: I had 2 houmous wraps. I usually only have one but I was feeling absurdly lazy and decided to not put anything in the wrap apart from houmous, so 1 wrap is not very much in that sense. It is, also, not the healthiest. I did have a packet of salt and malt vinegar crinkled crisps but I really didn't enjoy it because I knew it wasn't what I wanted. As for dinner, I haven't yet had it. I'm planning on having a pasta and mushrooms with tomatoes. Is that healthy?! Not in great portions, mind you. Exercise today: I walked my dog for over two hours in the woods. In the actual woods he was just off the lead, but walking up the woods some arm muscle was needed to control the bugger. He's horrifically strong!
Right then, tomorrow. Tomorrow for breakfast: spinach, tomato and pepper omelet. Light cheese. (I'm easing myself off of cheese, I love it too much).
Dried blueberries as a snack.
Lunch: Bean salad (with tomatoes, pepers, lettuce (obviously), feta cheese (or mozzarella, haven't decided yet), cous cous, beans, with french dressing. Mmmmm!
Various fruit for a snack.
Dinner: stuffed peppers. (http://www.goodtoknow.co.uk/recipes/130428/Stuffed-peppers)
Exercise tomorrow, same with light jogging. Perhaps star jumps in the morning and crunches in the evening.
Weight and measurements (taken at largest):
Weight: 11.12 Stone (156 pounds, OH GOD!)
Bust:37”
Upper Arms: 13.5”
Lower Arms: 10.5
Hips:39”
Waist:31”
Thigh: 24.5
Calf:15.5
Height: 5foot 2
What a great way to boost self esteem! Put your measurements on the internet! :(
Sorry if this was over the place, I really should plan the next one. But if no one reads this, that's fine. It's not about what people think of me. It's how I see myself. I'm doing this for myself. Not for anyone else.
And with that, I'll end this incredibly long post. ("Finally!" they say).
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